Stuff that really grinds my Gears!

Gym memberships

2008-08-03T05:21:00.000-07:00

You know what really grinds my gears? New Year’s resolutions to get a gym membership

New Year’s resolutions are promises made to oneself whereby you undertake to either reform from doing something, or to begin doing something you should have doing already. Whilst noble in sentiment, the reality is that in most cases, the average lifespan of such a resolution is lower than that of a whale in Japanese fishing waters. Usually within weeks or possibly days of making such a resolution, you find yourself flagging and giving up.

Despite their high propensity for failure, New Year’s resolutions are used by the fitness industry to bolster membership numbers. Each January, helpful adverts appear encouraging you to improve your personal fitness by joining a particular gym. Shortly after agreeing to this arrangement, you lose interest and stop going. However, since you’re still a member, the gym continues to make money off you whilst never exceeding its membership space capacity - thus allowing almost an infinite number of new members to be recruited on the basis of a New Years Resolution. And that’s what grinds my gears today.

DVD Piracy Warnings

2008-07-27T14:35:00.000-07:00

You know what really grinds my gears??? The "You wouldn't steal a movie?" trailer at the start of DVD's.
I like movies. Actually no sir, the fact is, I love movies, and like all good film aficionados, I especially like them on Digital Versatile Disc format. Each shiny, quality example of digitally reproduced celluloid comes packed with hours of extras, trailers, outtakes, deleted scenes, alternative endings and my favorite, Directors commentaries. Every purchase can keep me engrossed for hours as I delve deep into the expanded story, thoroughly satisfying my inner geek. However, nearly all new DVD’s come with an unwelcome and superfluous extra, a start up trailer which attempts to play on your morality, entitled “You wouldn’t steal a movie?”
Many things about this trailer really grind my gears, though it’s not a badly designed, shot or produced piece of cinematography, and I’m sure it was/is well intentioned too, it is a waste of time and money.

Why?
To see this “Trailer”, which is inescapable with the skip, next or menu functions, you have to actually be watching a bought DVD. So the message is being directed at the wrong people, or specifically myself, as the victim of their propaganda.
To further illustrate this point, let’s look at the obverse of the coin. The people they are trying to target with this ethical infomercial are the people watching pirated DVD’s or illegal downloads – the message is simply “Change your ways, live honestly, pay for that which you consume!” a laudable point. However those people who are pirating and illegally downloading the movie never have to witness the trailer, or suffer the unwelcome delay before watching the film as, not surprisingly, pirated and downloaded films don’t have the trailer at the start… in fact it’s completely absent! (Or so I’m reliably informed).

So the target audience never gets hit or inconvenienced, yet myself, a good law abiding citizen* has to suffer the same boring infomercial, every time I chose to insert a DVD into my machine, and that really grinds my gears.

Greg H.

*Civis Europa Sum

Rip-off cinema snacks

2008-07-24T14:54:00.000-07:00

You know what really grinds my gears? Rip-off snack prices at the cinema.

Strategically located next to the theatre entrance, the snacks and refreshments area is a crucial part of any successful movie theatre business plan. Having already bought a ticket prior to entering the theatre, your average movie goer is then tempted by a dazzling array of sugary sweets and snacks. However, closer examination of these products will reveal that they are twice the price of their equivalents in the ‘outside world’. Suspiciously, many of the packets also appear to be half the size. Even if the cinema-goer manages to avoid this millionaire’s banquet and enters the cinema snackless, the pre-movie adverts cleverly deploy dancing popcorn bags and cola cups to tempt you back into the lobby for a second run at the refreshment stand.

Since the cinema has rules specifically prohibiting the bringing in of snacks bought outside the theatre, millions of otherwise law-abiding, but thrifty cinema goers are forced to smuggle in contraband items under their jackets. Thus we are all turned into sugar crazed villains in the eyes of the movie theatre establishment. And that’s what grinds my gears today.

Nanny Technology

2008-07-22T14:59:00.000-07:00

You know what really grinds my gears??? Nanny Technology.

I have a great big piece of Americana in my kitchen, it's silver, 6foot tall, 5foot wide, and distinctly fridge shaped. I like my huge fridge-freezer; it's got the space to store all the culinary consumables a modern boy needs, and a smorgasbord of built-in gadgetry.
However it is blighted by the same curse as much other modern technology (and I’m not yet talking about software crashing), it’s been programmed with Nanny Technology and subjects the owner to a grating open-door alarm…
As a fairly well educated man, I’m aware that leaving the fridge door open causes the cold air to escape, raising the temperature of my chilled foodstuffs, in turn decreasing their shelf life. The fridge will then have to work extra hard when the door is finally closed, decreasing the temperature to make sure those blue “ready to drink” marks remain on my chilled alcoholic beverages.

Yes, this burns extra electricity, which is bad for my wallet as well as the environment, but do I really need a bleeping alarm to tell me that the fridge door is open? No, I can see that it is, the light spilled from the fridge if the door is even slightly ajar is enough to say, “heh Squire, you’ve failed to shut the door properly!” and if I’ve left it open purposefully then that’s between me, myself and my conscience – not a unthinking, unreasoning, cold piece of preprogrammed technology.

Worse, the alarm is set so that if the fridge door is open for 45 seconds it chimes 3 times in a high pitched squeal, cutting through the serenity of my otherwise peaceful abode. 45 measly seconds isn’t long enough to select the various ingredients required for a sandwich, or root around in the vegetable section finding stir-fry candidates! Worse still, there is no way to turn off the alarm, or even extend the time taken – no, 5 different buttons for ice settings, discrete temperature settings for both the fridge and freezer sections, a fridge light brightness adjustment knob, but no way of turning the annoying piece of Nanny technology off… other than invalidating the warranty by taking a soldering iron to the alarm!

My car has a similar alarm if I start the engine without my seat belt on – regardless if I’m just turning round on the drive without going on the road. It falls in the same category as phoning a toll free number from my mobile, yes it’s no longer free, but why do I have to redial omitting the ‘0’? I’m nowhere near a land-line or I’d use that!?!?

The point is that as a reasoning, educated adult of average intellect I should be free to make my own decisions, and will make a much better job of them over a machine that has neither the sensors or rationing capacity to decide to sound it’s buzzer or not. Yet the piece of Nanny Technology implements it’s warning – or the worst a barring mechanism anyway, and that my friends grinds my gears.

Greg H.

Sport taking over TV

2008-07-14T12:54:00.000-07:00

You know what really grinds my gears? When your favourite TV show is temporarily cancelled and replaced with two weeks of golf, snooker or tennis.

A persistent offender is the BBC. Back in the days when the BBC used to show 'the Simpsons' every weekday at 6 pm it provided a much needed relief after a long hard day. However, one day I switched on the TV expecting to get my daily dose of the Simpsons and all that was on was a man playing golf. I waited patiently hoping that the golf/snooker/tennis would soon end but still nothing happened. Finally it reached 7 pm and the golf /snooker/tennis ended for the day. Then the BBC commentator apologised for cancelling the last hour of scheduled programming and there would be no 'Simpsons' on that day.

The worst bit is that they don't tell you before hand that the sport is going to overrun into the lives of people who haven't been at home for six hours during the day time watching golf/snooker or tennis. The apology is even more annoying since they apologise for not showing your favourite programme rather than apologise for keeping you hoping it would come on and thus subjecting you to a incredibly dull hour of waiting. If they're not going to show a scheduled program they should tell you when it reaches 6pm.

Going where?

2008-07-14T12:42:00.000-07:00

You know what really grinds my gears? People who use the phrase 'Going forward'

This has already been highlighted by Lucy Kellaway and her campaign against office jargon.She very correctly states that "when someone says 'going forward' it assaults the ears just as, when a colleague starts slurping French onion soup at a neighbouring desk, it assaults the nose." I couldn't have put it better myself.

'Going forward' is largely heard in the office environment and is used to indicate a progression in time from the present. In reality, it indicates absolutely nothing except the total lack of imagination of the person using the phrase. Like a viral infection, it has spread across offices throughout the English speaking world, taking advantage of e-mail and conference calling to infiltrate new continents and workplaces. It belongs to that an ever growing category of nonsense words and phrases that resemble the corporate equivalent of 1984's 'new-speak'. Thus when the phrase is uttered by someone more senior it mysteriously takes on a more sinister meaning.

Other nonsensical phrases of note include 'incentivise' and 'touch base'. But for sheer mindless stupidity 'Going forward' takes the crown prize. Last week I decided to count how many time the person opposite used it. It was five times in twenty minutes through both telephone and face to face conversation. Why???

4th July mythology

2008-07-04T15:31:00.001-07:00

And now a special 4th of July post from our man in the US;

"You know what really grinds my gears?

American exceptionalist/populist and endlessly repeated interpretation of independence as escape from the tyranny of an 'absolute monarchy' and attendant apocryphal stories about lack of civil liberties and of gross intolerance under colonial rule, most notably as manifested in 4th July celebrations.

Cultural brainwashing, which (lest you think only the hoi poloi, understandably, accept this stuff) is latently manifest in the views of innumerable respected academics and at least two Supreme Court justices: Clarence Thomas and Antonin Scalia, who, in their own right, grind my gears.

(Keep 'em coming old friend - ed.)

Crossings at Roundabouts

2008-07-03T13:23:00.000-07:00

You know what really grinds my gears? When they put a pedestrian crossing just off a roundabout!

A roundabout is supposed to keep traffic flowing so that there is less congestion, right? So if they function as they are supposed to, then why would you put a crossing right on the roundabout? So that you can’t leave at the exit you want because there’s a red light and some little old dear crossing the road and then people have to wait behind you on the roundabout blocking up all the other roads on it. Thus the roundabout is rendered useless until the light goes green and the motorist is free once more. Why can’t they just put it further up the road so there is room for cars to wait and not block up the roundabout. If there is truly demand for a pedestrian crossing they should simply construct an underpass or bridge.

Towns to avoid in England include Swindon, Milton Keynes, Bracknell, Reading, Gloucester and many many more! If you know of anymore, please tell us on the comments section below.

Parking Inspectors

2008-07-02T14:46:00.000-07:00

You know what really grinds my gears? Parking inspectors.

Give an ordinary person a uniform and the ability to issue fines and you suddenly have the makings of a tyrant.

You park your car on the road and run into the shops. But when you come back, you find a semi-paramilitary looking official standing over your vehicle pushing buttons into an oversized device. When you challenge him, he informs you that apparently you’ve parked in the wrong place. Your pleas for leniency are brushed aside as you point out to him the lack of appropriate signposting forbidding you to park. The ‘stazi’ parking inspector continues to ignore you and resumes pushing buttons into his machine. A small piece of paper soon emerges from the device which he promptly positions underneath your windscreen wipers (even thou he could just hand it to you because you’re standing next to him).

No legal team on earth could deter the parking inspector from giving you a ticket. Giving tickets is his ‘raison d’etre’. Asking a parking inspector not to give a ticket would be like asking a hypochondriac not to worry about their health. After all, his very livelihood depends upon the successful issuing of fines and proving the value of his own existence to his employers, the local authority. Indeed, the true purpose of these guardians of the roadside is to raise further revenue for their masters.

Tailgating

2008-07-01T13:16:00.001-07:00

You know what really grinds my gears? Drivers who tailgate.

You’re happily driving along the road at the maximum speed limit, when suddenly you notice a car speeding up behind you. This car then proceeds to creep up you until any application of the breaks on your part will lead to a horrific accident.

To make matters the worse, the idiot behind you starts to flash you with his headlights to try and get you to either brake the speed limit or pull over to let him pass. When you refuse to do either, he sits behind you like soiled underwear until finally overtaking at the first opportunity.

The Latin name for the tailgating driver is ‘stupidous maximus’. In England, these drivers are often behind the wheel of a white van. Their upper middle class counterparts are known to drive BMWs (often badly). In the US, tailgating vehicles are commonly found to be ‘pick-up’ trucks.

The one consolation for everyone else using the roads is that all the above vehicle types can be described as ‘low mileage’. A happy marriage between sky-rocketing petrol prices and the naturally poor driving skills of these motorists will soon make tailgating a thing of the past. Until then, other road users will continue to have to endure tailgating.

Call Centres

2008-06-30T13:57:00.000-07:00

You know what really grinds my gears? Call centres.

The idea is, that if you need some help or information (perhaps you even want to give them money) then you call the number and the polite helpful people at the other end sort everything out. This is however, a theoretical paradise where problems can be easily fixed with a simple phone call. This is in fact, far from what actually happens when you ring a call centre.

First you must get through the maze of options presented to you by the pre-recorded electronic women. Make one wrong move, one wrong button pushed and it’s back to the beginning. Eventually you will make it through to the correct department. Then the phone will ring, you get excited, but alas it is another recording. This time they ask you to enter a password that you have no memory of ever giving them. Not being able to enter your password confuses the machine puts you back on hold. Fifteen minutes pass, as you are constantly reminded that you are in a queue, but your call is important to them.

Finally, after what seems like an eon, you get through to a person. However, this is only after having gone through a number of security questions (because you forgot your password) and being treated like a criminal until they are satisfied you’re not a fraudster. At last they allow you to discuss the problem you called up about in the first place. Sometimes this will be resolved in two seconds which makes you mad because you sat through twenty-five minutes of holding and questioning for such a simple task OR you will be told that you need to speak to another department because they don’t have that on their computer system. At this point some people get really angry and start to swear. They will then be immediately cut off for being rude and abusive to the staff over the phone.

Insurance companies and banks tend to be the worst offenders. Either way the whole ordeal makes you feel physically and mentally drained and that what grinds my gears today.

Pointless facebook applications

2008-06-27T06:08:00.000-07:00

You know what really grinds my gears? People who send you pointless and annoying facebook ‘applications’.

Last week I received the latest in a long serious of irksome requests from facebook friends asking if I would like to join the battle of the ‘ninjas vs the pirates’. Once loaded, this application apparently lets you partake in the ‘fun’ of deciding which side is better. Whilst I have no doubt that this longstanding and terrible conflict is of the utmost importance to some, I am particularly irritated by it being referred to as an ‘application’. The word ‘application’ implies that it has some practical and real-world use, like a life-jacket or a pencil. In reality, downloading this facebook application will simply help to clutter an already over-populated facebook profile.

Even more grinding is the fact that deleting all requests and telling your friends not to send you any ninja or pirate related material will only hold them off so long. Mysteriously, the application has morphed into other battle related facebook clutter. Not only do I find myself fending off pirates and ninjas, but also ewoks and jedis, zombies and aliens etc. The list goes on.

Since it seems to be impossible to block these requests I have decided to delete anyone from my ‘friends’ list who sends me anything resembling the above. Unfortunately, millions of other people will continue to receive and download this useless and tiresome piece of garbage. Some may even actually try and get their friends to join. No doubt once this particularly irritating application has run its course an even more pointless facebook add-on will be developed. And that’s what grinds my gears today.

Pop-up panic

2008-06-26T10:09:00.000-07:00

You know what really grinds my gears?

‘Pop-up panic’.

Pop-up panic is a phenomenon familiar to internet users world-wide. It is most likely to occur when you are meant to be working, but instead choose to browse the internet whilst giving the impression of being hard at work. This may even be the case right now as you read this site.

Whilst ‘surfing the net’ you suddenly detect the approach of your boss, teacher, parent, or indeed any other authority figure that would disapprove of your time wasting. You react quickly by attempting to exit the offending website.

However, you find your attempts to click out only lead to ‘pop-ups’ flashing up on your screen. You hit ‘cancel’ on each of the pop-ups, but instead of disappearing they start to multiply. With your boss now mere seconds away, you start to panic click frantically in a futile attempt to remove the adverts.

In one final desperate act, you hit the ‘restart’ button on your computer. By the time the authority figure reaches you, all they will see is a computer start-up screen. This can be easily explained away by blaming it on a random computer freeze-up. However, more experienced folk will instantly recognise the tell-tale signs of the aftermath of ‘pop-up panic’.

And that’s what grinds my gears today.

Voicemail charges

2008-06-26T10:05:00.001-07:00

You know what really grinds my gears? Voicemail charges when you go abroad.

So you’re going on holiday and you remember to lock all the doors, set the automatic lights and get a neighbour to check the house ever so often. The one thing you don’t expect to do is turn off your voicemail. At home your voicemail is generally free. Someone leaves you a message and you listen to it as many times as you like. Receiving a call is also free.

However, when you go abroad it doesn’t work like that. If someone rings you from home you get charged just for answering the call. Having had the foresight to check with your mobile phone operator before leaving the country (just in case there are any charges for receiving calls whilst abroad), you decide to take the additional precaution of not answering your phone and only using it for text messages. Of course, people can still call you and leave voicemails. What you don’t realise until you get home and receive your monthly bill, is that you got charged international rates. Firstly, because someone left a message on your phone; secondly because you were dumb enough to listen to it.

People are able to leave you pointless messages, each second of which is costing you a small fortune just to receive and listen to. Worse still, if you’re first in their phonebook and your ‘friend’ can’t be bothered to activate their keypad lock, you have to pay for messages consisting of nothing more than four minutes of muffled sound, interspersed with the dull tones of their not so interesting day. And you’re paying for this by the minute.

All of this can be avoided simply by remembering to switch off your voicemail before you leave the country. Attempting to switch it off whilst abroad can be arduous and cost you even more money. Of course, the phone companies never quite remind you about the importance of turning your voicemail off.

And thats what grinds my gears today.

Caravans

2008-06-26T09:54:00.000-07:00

You know what really grinds my gears? Caravans, no that’s wrong, the caravans have done nothing wrong themselves, it’s the people that choose to own and drive these caravans on the public highway. We’ve all been there, driving along a nice A road, summer afternoon, windows down, some good music playing on the radio, not a care in the world and no matter what car you’re driving it feels like it could be an Aston Martin. But then you round a corner and there it is, an unstable white box on wheels, bumping along at 30mph, a stupid plexi-glass window cut in the back of it with words like elegance or freedom written on it. And you can’t see the jerk driving it because he’s obscured by the vast white box he’s towing, then he encounters a truck coming the other way and has to stop and slowly drive around said truck to avoid an accident. Your pleasant drive is ruined. They drive on oblivious to the increasing queue of normal motorists behind them who just want to get on with their lives.

These people seem to think they’re adventures off to explore the world, whilst not actually making it out of Dorset. When in fact all they do is tow a box behind their car with a tiny useless kitchen in it, a tiny useless bathroom, small uncomfortable beds and nothing of any use inside at all. And then sit out side it on chairs doing nothing and going nowhere or watching a small useless television. So why bother? Well to us normal folk it’s a mystery but it sure as hell grinds my gears.

Telephone conference calls

2008-06-26T09:33:00.000-07:00

You know what really grinds my gears? Telephone conference calls.

Specifically designed to waste potentially productive office time, the telephone conference call allows participants to believe they are carrying out essential and important work

Conference calls usually begin with each attendee ‘dialling in’ to the same telephone line. Ideally, this should take up to half an hour, as people call in late or suffer inevitable technical problems. To ensure maximum time wastage, as many participants as possible should be invited beforehand. This can be best achieved through a mass e-mail invite to every single person involved in the project/work (no matter how minor their role).

Having successfully set up the conference call, it is important to establish the purpose of the call as early as possible. This will allow the small minority of participants who actually need to be on the call to raise their points, thus freeing up the rest of the call for repetition during the remainder of the discussion. It is particularly important that the person chairing the call does not have too stringent control over the participants. No conference call would be complete unless everyone has been allowed to say something. Ideally, people with little or no knowledge of the subject area should be encouraged to speak. This will further increase the time wastage as they desperately try to demonstrate that they know what they are talking about through repeating points other people have already made. This will also help to encourage the more knowledgeable people to continuously interrupt them in order to clarify and further repeat their original points.

If done correctly, a conference call that should have taken thirty minutes, can last anywhere between one to two hours. Thanks to the sheer length of the call, participants will feel as if they have achieved something useful (even though this is highly doubtful). Best of all, each participant will leave the conference call believing that certain things have now been agreed. Whilst this is also unlikely to be correct, the telephone conference call continues to be regarded as one of the key tools of the modern workplace. And that’s what grinds my gears today.

Al

Why we write

2008-06-26T01:23:00.000-07:00

Welcome to ‘That really grinds my gears’. A site devoted to things that really grind our gears!

Over the coming weeks and months we will be writing on a number of issues that all have one thing in common.

They really make us grind our gears.

Its that horrible crunching sound you get inside when somebody or something pushes you over the edge. Its the every day annoyances that make up the rich fabric that we call modern life. Its the irritating, the irksome and the downright trivial that so often creep under your skin. This is a venting place for all the angry people out there. We aim to cover as much ground as possible.

Hopefully there will be something here for everyone who has ever had cause to say ‘That really grinds my gears!’

Welcome and enjoy this site as we vent our collective frustrations.

Harry and Al